8 July 2020
A WARNING ABOUT GRIEF
(Originally written in April 2015, this is an edited version)
Five years ago, situations in my life accumulated to the point where it felt as if I was being left completely ungrounded, floating between the pain and disillusionment of not only what I had lost then, but everything in my past as well.
My emotions showed me what I have been ignoring for too long, as I have become accustomed to it in such a way that I didn’t even realize it. That I was covering it up, thinking I am strong enough to handle it. It forced me to look it straight in the eye when it reared its head yet again. GRIEF.
We might technically (definitely) be strong, yes, but grief doesn't care about strength. Grief cannot be dismissed. It cannot be put aside, ignored and covered up with other emotions. Grief needs to be respected for what it is. It is Grief with a capital. You experienced a loss of such an extreme that caused for your life never to be the same again. It is relentless, it is cruel. It can be the cause of a pain so deep that develops into depression or suicide. It can be blamed for escaping into substance abuse. Grief sounds empathic, it is not. Not to be ignored. Because if you ignore your grief, it starts to devour you in other forms - cancers seem to be prevalent. Yes, grief asks for respect in its sick way.
Mr Grief. What an asshole. Where the hell does “good grief” come from? There is nothing good about this mister. He brings sorrow deeper than the oceans. Our psyche is like the ocean - from our normal view at the surface level, we cannot see the unexplored depths that lie beneath. These unrevealed areas contain innumerable amounts of information.
Perhaps in the darkness, one shall see. To be able to go down into the abyss…once you come up into the light again, things might look different. Being exposed to the light after being in the darkroom. Manipulating the images of your life in your own darkroom, all those moments that added to your Grief folder. To take them one by one and develop them into a collage that forms the bigger picture of your life. Creating a perspective and understanding of when the memory of the pain plays through your mind, you can look at it with some form of acceptance and healing.
Dealing with Mr Grief requires holding your breath and going beyond first. There is no easy way.
Mr Grief’s trademark is like a physical scar. It gets better but never goes away. What matters is that we can look upon those scars and as we are reminded of what caused them, we see the light piercing through the peripheral of the water and not the darkness anymore.
And that takes immense courage.
Afternote: At the time of writing this originally in 2015, I changed my life drastically. Those and previous incidents that occurred in my life, prepared me for the true path I was supposed to take. The experiences equipped me to help others who go through similar pain and loss. Grief can be the loss of a person, pet, marriage, relationship, income, health, childhood (due to some form of abuse). Be sure not to ignore your pain by trying to escape from it through various ways, as that pain physically stays in every cell of your body and emotionally it can make you numb, but it will catch up with you sometime if not properly dealt with. For transformational healing sessions, contact me: firstname.lastname@example.org
24 June 2020
WHY I DON’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS
Forever we’ve been hearing, taught and indoctrinated to forgive. Then, of course, it comes with the caveats of “I forgive, but I never forget” and “forgiveness doesn’t mean I condone it”, “by forgiving you are setting yourself free”.
The idea seems sweet, the “right thing to do”, proclaimed in the Christian bible and other teachings, but does it really “work” like that in reality?
If you want to forgive, by all means, do so. And good for you. But then don’t tell your story with an ending of “I forgave but I won’t forget”. In my opinion that is not possible, the “forgiveness” is futile then. Forgiveness is defined as releasing feelings of resentments or vengeance towards someone who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness, nor excusing the offences.
Forgiveness is not as simple. By implication, if you say that you forgive someone, you are again accusing that person. When I say I forgive you, I am implying that you have wronged me. That in itself is a complicated issue. Some people feel you have wronged them in a certain way whilst from your point of view you were giving advice. When it comes to the more serious situations of abuse and actual damage being done – again – the answer for healing is not in forgiving the abuser. Think about it literally – how could that “help” you at all? What difference could it possibly make to “forgive” a perpetrator for you to lead a better and healthy life if it only means releasing feelings? I am tired of all the old paradigms and worn-out beliefs.
Yes, I believe in LETTING GO. I believe in RELEASING. But not only the feelings of it. By TRANSCENDING it. By TRANSFORMING it.
In saying “I forgive you” is like me acknowledging you are an asshole and I am a victim. It is in another sense, giving your power away, AGAIN. I don’t feel it empowering to verbalize “I forgive you” to someone who did irrevocable damage to me it feels as if I AM condoning it because I am admitting it. It comes back to the precept that we are guilty (sinners) in “God’s” eyes and if we don’t beg for forgiveness we are doomed, also if we then don’t forgive others. In this discussion, I am not referring to if you had an argument with someone and apologize or say you’re sorry and that all is fine…of course, that is the right thing to do.
Let’s be honest – when you do the whole meditation / affirmation / prayers of forgiveness – do you feel it 100% in your heart? Believe me, I have done it hundreds of times and yes, I have felt peace, I have felt forgiveness, I felt sincere and add whatever one should feel to this list… But does it last? Does it really last regarding your healing? Or when you are confronted with this person with the same issue again? Did it work for you when after you ”forgave” your perpetrator, you never once felt the repercussions again of what you were wronged at?
And then it’s added to this “you have to forgive yourself”. Oh, good grief…! That is only making it worse! So now you have to “forgive” yourself for the fact that you were a victim of a situation from which you have carried the scars of shame and guilt and yet, you still have to forgive yourself!? Again, that is like admitting that you were in the wrong. Please note that I am referring to circumstances of where one needs emotional healing and not if you place yourself in the perpetrator role.
Freedom and empowerment are attained through deep transformation and you will know the difference between if you merely “forgave” and if you have let go by how you feel when you tell someone else the story. It will also be evident in the vocabulary you use.
If you need guidance in how to set yourself free from the scars of the past or to resolve challenging issues in your relationships, whether that be in a marriage, family or friendships, I can help you get to the core of it to gain clarity, a different perspective and ultimately, healing.
With Transformational Healing we go full circle to shift the pain for permanent results, one can’t go back to how it was again afterwards. It is not a matter of forgiving but transforming powerfully and the effect of that changes everything from the inside out.
Contact me: email@example.com